2 posts tagged “life”

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What's the most memorable crush you have had? 
Submitted by spectacular.  

Well, I am removing the names to protect the innocent, but I had a spectacularly big crush on a girl at school when I was about 15-16. She had porcelain skin, stylish hair, had a fantastic figure, was about my height (always a bonus when you are this short) and had the most fantastic giggle. Not a "lauging like a drain" type giggle, but a proper, smiley, lovely, happy giggle.........you always felt she meant it when she laughed........

I never really spoke to her that much for a couple of years before. I was too busy playing football and sliding down the playing field bank on a plastic bag..........but when the hormones kicked in...........oh my god! I was smacked in the face and I never saw it coming. Stephen Fry summed up the whole emotion of love better than I think I have ever seen or heard anyone before or since. I won't even TRY to regurgitate what he said or the way he said it, but when I was reading the passage about how he felt about his first love, I felt myself going back to those days and feeling exactly the same. The world stops, EVERYTHING in your life from then on changes, EVERYTHING in your life is geared around that person, your behaviour, your responses, the way you organise your day to get that glimpse of that person for a fleeting second as they walk out of class................EVERYTHING. And NOTHING ever feels that way again..........

I would go as far to say I was in love, yeah, I would. Of course, it was probably a young, innocent and unknowing love, but it was love all the same. I couldn't get her out of my head. I woke up in the morning and she was there, mooching around in the recesses of my half awake brain and I would go through the day, getting glimpses of her, standing next to her in the dinner queue, being daft, trying to look and act cool, not trying to give away the fact that I wanted to get down on a knee and announce my utter devotion to her. And I would go to bed at night, dreaming of her, not just the usual pubescent dreams, but the dreams of someone whos entire life focus was encompassed in a female shaped piece of perfection.......

And then it happened...................

I heard that she was interested in me! I................COULD...........NOT............BELIEVE IT!!!!! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!!! What do I do? I had never had a girlfriend before, I didn't know what to do?!!! And I KNOW she had had a couple of boyfriends before, as I had to endure their endless jabberings and playfighting and all that young love malarky. But me? Sure, I had held hands with a few girls and said that they were my girlfriend and I had even kissed one of them, properly! Tongues and all! But CHRIST!!! A PROPER girlfriend?

Everyone was on my back, saying I should ask her out, go on a date, take her somewhere. And this wasn't to be the fumblings of a couple of kids messing about..........I was 16! I had to act like an adult! Were we supposed to go to dinner? Was she content with a walk over the park (where I had seen hundreds of younger "couples" making out and hanging out on many occasions..........just seemed a bit seedy, but what else was there to do?), or could we go to the cinema (not good, you don't talk.......).....

Oh god............

This couldn't be happening! Ok, I was madly in love with this girl, but I never, ever expected it to be reciprocated in a million years! I had a safe haven of my own conscience to hide behind when we were just "friends".......now, I had to declare all these things that I had been keeping to myself.........to someone else! Let someone else in......to me.....

I won't bore you with the details, but the jist of the story was that I ended up asking her out (god knows how, I was shaking like the San Andreas fault about to go off.......), she said yes and a group of us went to the cinema (DAMN!!!). I think we went to go and see Labyrynth (christ, how long ago was THIS?), not a lot was said and not a lot happened. There were too many people about for me to "make a move" and if I am totally honest, I hadn't got a clue how to do that anyway (and I really, really still don't!). I didn't want to just "jump" her......and then I didnt want to seem to aloof either.......it was a fine balance. And it would have been nice if there wasn't anyone around either. I was nervous, scared, embarrassed...........was I going to be any good? Would I make myself look like the preverbial tit (have I told you she had boyfriends before?)? Would I be up to expectation? Would I be DOING IT RIGHT? And what is the ettiquette of this all?

I need not have worried. She did all that for me. We sloped off from the back of the group, she pulled me to one side and kissed me.................

EVEREYTHING went...........BANG!!!!!!!!!!! It was dark, yet it felt like daytime. Lights seemed somehow more vivid. My skin tingled with goosebumps, not from the cold, but from......I don't know. Everything became almost eerily quiet......her lips, to this very day, still seem the softest lips I have ever kissed. And she tasted.........well, thankfully, of absolutely nothing..............just pure, wonderful, enlightening, mind blowing bliss............

We pulled away when their taxi turned up and I just couldn't say anything. From that point on, I had become a man........I saw the world in a totally different way........one of the most memorable things that has ever happened to me. It wasn't my first kiss, its not been my last, but of kisses.......I will never, ever, ever forget it........

We went out together for a few weeks. We would do the walking to the park, but come away when there were too many "younger" people there. I would go to her house, watch Neighbours (was the first series!) with her Mom and Dad, we would go out in a group and hang out...........the usual stuff. But, and this is not a a criticism, we didn't go any further than kissing. Now, as it turns out, I had missed all the signals..............

A couple of months of this in (which, I thought, was bliss), things changed. She started getting crotchety, a bit offish with me. I didn't understand why, so I would try and make it up to her, by taking her out, going places and so on. What I DIDN'T know was that SHE wanted this to be a prelude to "something else".........

I never saw it. I got the letter from my friend. He was asked by her to give it to me. She said that she didn't want to go out with someone so blind and wanted more from me. I didn't get this and asked him and a couple of her friends to explain this to me. Turns out......................she was completely and totally prepared to lose her virginity to me!!!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never saw it! I was too busy basking in the whole concept of someone so perfect wanting to go out with me and ACTUALLY WAS, that I just never saw anything. Not one thing!!! And even if I had, how do you approach that subject? I have never forced a girls hand and never would! It should be a mutual thing and no-one should feel pressured! And I tell you now, I wouldn't have been pressured! I was ready to pop! Bring it on!!! How more perfect could it have been? Ok, I wasn't a virgin, but I didn't count the last time and it wasn't what I expected (another long story......), so this could be the time, the "proper" time, the time I would do it for real..........with my Miss Perfect. Life couldnt or wouldn't get any better than that............

And I missed it. The opportunity went...........

I was devestated. It crushed me. Not cos we hadn't "done it" (although, that DID come into my self analysis reckoning later....), but cos Miss Perfect wanted something from me that I was willing to give, but wasn't asked for.....

I barely talked for a week. Luckily, we only had one more term of school left (yeah, I was 16. I was the oldest in my year), so the awkwardness didn't last too long. But I knew people were talking. I knew that something had been said. I felt (wrongly of course, now I look back on it), inadequate, stupid, "un-manly", weak, pathetic..........I felt I was being laughed at.

I then heard about a month later that she HAD lost her virginity........to some scumbag who everyone hated. Turns out it was some kind of mission of hers to do it. It wouldn't have mattered if it was me......, or the next person. She was going to do it anyway. I felt used.............even though, physically, I hadn't been........

I still think of her now. I think back at those perfect eyes, those amazing little freckles on the nose and her incredible body. The giggle, the little affections she had when you complimented her..........she was, for 2 or 3 months, the total embodiment of complete female perfection. And I would have done anything for her.

I heard through the grapevine that she never left the area when we left school. She got married, had 2 kids and was divorced by the age of 27. I haven't seen her, but sounds like life didn't turn out as she had hoped.......I know, it could have been me. I was lucky.........but she has the knowledge, like a fading movie actress, that for a short while, she was the most admired and most sought after aquisition in the school..........and for a short while, she was mine. What that brought to me, I will never, ever lose.............wherever you are *****, you are still perfection in my mind..........